It's been a year...

It's Been a Year...

June 15, 2019

“Your life was a blessing.

Your memories a treasure.

You are love beyond words.

And, missed beyond measure.”

It’s been a year…

Everything still feels surreal. I still can’t believe that it’s been a year in my life since that incident happened. Looking back to that day, I thought I won’t gonna make it but… here I am, an evident that I survived that year of grieve, mourn, and pain. Or, so I thought…

Did I really survived? Or still surviving?

That excruciating pain in my heart. I lost my strength physically and emotionally. In that moment, I also feel so lifeless. I can’t feel my body anymore, all I can feel is that pain in my heart. My soul left me in that moment. It’s been a year since I felt all these feeling of emptiness, but the pain is still fresh, I can still feel all of these like it just happened a minute ago.

No greater pain that could ever surpass the pain of losing your loved one… for a lifetime. I lose my greater blessing and treasure in the 15th of June at exactly 6:25PM.

That day is the most painful event in my life. But I also treasure it the most. It’s the last day God allowed me to be with my mom for the last time.

Even though, she’s not speaking anymore…

Even though, she feels so weak…

Even though, she doesn’t move…

Even though, it feels like her body is dead and her life only depends on the oxygen…

I still talked to her.

‘Cus I know, her senses still work so she could still see and hear me.

Even though, she won’t respond…

I told her all the things I wanna tell her. Back on the days of my childhood, back on the days where everything feels alright, back on the days on how she took care of me and my siblings. I thanked her… for out of all the moms in the world, I’m so grateful and blessed, she became my mom.

I thanked her for not giving up on us. I thanked her for taking care of us. I thanked her… for everything. She just did not took care of us because it is a mom’s obligation but she did it wholeheartedly because she loves us that much.

In the last day of her life, I told her everything I wanna tell her. I want her to bring all of our memories wherever she’ll go. I made her feel loved, wanted and needed. I actually told her that I can’t live without her, I beg for her to stay and still fight.

My brave mom showed us how strong she can be just for us. Even in the last day of her life, she fought for her life. I am one of the witness of her pain and suffering. It is really selfish for me to still wish her to live but of course, I also told her, she can now rest and I’ll take her pain away.

It is God’s will to take her. God already decided to take my mom with Him. After talking to my mom, a heavy rain poured that afternoon and my mom had a trouble of breathing. That rain is already a sign that God is already there, ready to take my mom in His Kingdom.

And then minutes later… her pulse stopped. My breathing also stopped for a second.

Until her body gave up and she surrendered her life to the Lord. She came back with her first Love. God took her home in His Kingdom.

The room filled with cries and pain.

And, all we can do… is accept it.

That she is already been heal in God’s kingdom. She is now far away from pain and suffering. She can now rest for a lifetime.

It’s been a year, mom. There are no words to explain how painful it is to lose you. But I am also grateful, that, once in a lifetime, I had a mom like you who is ready to fight for us until her last breath. I love you beyond words, mom.

It’s been a year since God freed you from pain and gave you rest and an eternal peace. Wherever you are, I hope you find your eternal happiness and I miss you terribly.

Yours truly,

Clar ♡