The Greatest Love of All

Let me take you to the journey of my greatest love...

Back when I was a kid, I always had trouble sleeping. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night or in the middle of dawn and fear will crept into me as I open my eyes and darkness will consume my sight. 

I will whimper in fear. I will suddenly feel alone because everyone around me is asleep and I am wide awake in the middle of the night, in the middle of darkness. Wanting to have someone to hug, I decided to walk towards my parents’ room where my mom is sleeping.

I always go to her in times of fear just like when we are too scared by riding the roller coaster, there is only one person, we always shout, "MAMA!"

My fear in darkness made me go to my mom to seek comfort. Even though, she’s asleep, just by knowing I am laying in her side doesn’t make me feel lonely.

All of a sudden, my fear subsided and I felt at ease.

Looking back, it made me realize that I can’t live in the dark without my mom. She’s the light I wanted to seek. It’s her presence I wanted to feel.

But, life had put me in the dark when it took away my mom. That’s where I started to ask, “How can I suppose to live in the dark now?”

I find it hard and difficult but I remained strong because of the light she left me with, it brightens my dark path along with the strength she shared with me. 

The painful part of losing a loved one is not being able to see them physically. I have find it hard to accept that I can no longer see my mom in the flesh but although her physical appearance may be gone, her spirit can be felt and always near.

The past two years without her had been so tough,  a lot of times had I wish to follow her in the afterlife but I know that she wouldn’t like it. This life is still worth living for even without her because she makes it worth it.

One of my favorite kind of love I have received from my mom is when we went to Venice Grand Canal Mall.

Back story, when my mom had not yet been diagnosed by a cancer, we used to go to any places we’d like to visit. Every Sunday is our family time where we will visit the mall, stroll around and shop. When she got sick, we opt to stay at home and take care of her.

But, there is one time where she told us that she's in the mood to go outside. We were relieved to know that, we became very excited  to go in Venice Grand Canal Mall. We strolled around the place and I can also see that my Mom is enjoying it. She always tells us that as long as we're happy, she's happy as well.

Minutes later and it hasn't reached an hour yet when she felt a back pain. We sat in one of the benches to rest and then she asked me to massage her lower back. I became worried with her condition, it’s all I ever think of. I told her that we can just go home so she can take a rest.

She still insisted that we should continue strolling. We walked again around the mall but I can feel her hands holding my arm as if she is leaning for support. Given that scenario, we decided to go home as we cannot also stay longer inside the mall knowing that we are with someone sick.

It was okay for me. It was okay for my siblings too. It was okay for my dad too.

We want her safe, that’s the priority. We can forget about strolling around the place as long as she is safe and is not in pain.

But, it was not okay for my mom. She wants to spend time for us but her body is not allowing her to. It was nobody’s fault but she apologized...

There is nothing to apologize but she still did it.

It was at that moment where I felt the kind of love that our happiness is what she still thinks of even in the middle of experiencing a physical pain.

I remember the day when she went through a high dosage of chemo-theraphy and weeks later, her hair is slowly falling out from her scalp...

I can still remember how she asked me to comb her hair because she couldn't do it without breaking down. I couldn’t do it as well but she did not ask me to comb it because she trusts that I wouldn’t break down.

She asks me to comb it to also ask for support and strength because she couldn’t do it alone. 

I witnessed all her struggles, all her pain and all those nights where she prayed for her sickness to end. She held unto us for support and strength as she asks God for courage to fight for another day.

My Mom always prioritizes our happiness and I know that if she will be given the choice, she will choose to stay with us but the decision will never be ours. 

It was on 15th of June when God took her away from us. It was exactly 6:25pm when her heart stopped beating. This day is painful, at the same time, memorable because it was the last day where I had seen her before she closed her eyes forever.

I am so grateful for God that He gave me my mom. She was truly a blessing, my favorite blessing that God gave me.

God made us feel His love during my mom’s remaining days when He allowed us to celebrate my mom's last birthday with us. 

It was on 13th of June 2018, two days before mom’s passing when we celebrated her 44th birthday. She is so weak at that time and we can already feel that God will take her anytime soon.

But, God still gave us another day (June 14, 2018) to be with her. I remembered singing her a song that day. I sang our favorite song "Safe" by Victory Worship. She sang with me by humming the song.

Her last day is nearing, I can feel it. While singing, I cried not because of pain but I felt at ease... knowing that she will be safe in the arms of our Savior. She will be healed in the kingdom of God.

And the next day, June 15, 2018, God still allowed us to be with her during the morning and afternoon. Her body is close to giving up but she is still fighting it. 

We were beside her during the last minutes. I told her everything I wanted to tell her, thanked her for everything she have done for us, I even begged her not to leave us. During that time, I am in the first stage of grief which is denial.

I deny the truth that she will be gone. I refuse to think the idea of waking up the next morning without her by my side.

But, I’d rather not have her in Earth if I will only see her suffer. She is much safer in God’s Kingdom. I came in the last stage of grief and that is acceptance. She suffered long enough, she deserves eternal peace and rest in God’s embrace.

Before she let out her last breath, my auntie went by her side to assure her that we will be taken care of and that she has nothing to worry about. She can depart without worry. She can depart with peace. She can depart knowing that we will be safe here.

It was as if she is only waiting to hear those lines before she took her last breath. She can leave this world without anything to worry about because her precious daughters will be taken care of on this Earth. And, that made her rest in peace.

Even in the last minutes of her life, she is still thinking of us. I know most especially now that she became an angel, she is still watching over us. Her spirit is always guiding me wherever I go and wherever she is.

My mom used to tell me that if ever she passed away, she doesn't want us to post in our social media that we miss her or we love her because she can no longer hear it.

I know that, for sure. 

Yet, here I am, expressing my love for her through this blog not because she can no longer read this but because the world can. The love that I have felt from her is deserving to be known by anyone.

It's been two years, Mom. Time flies so fast that you are no longer here with us but I will always treasure all the moments we shared. I will keep it so close to my heart. I will treat it as my most treasured memory.

I just don't miss your presence. I miss the way you hug me. I miss the way you kiss me. I miss the way I hold your hands. I miss the way your lips stretch for a smile. Everytime I think of you, my heart aches and the next thing I know, my tears will just fall endlessly. 

I can only see you in my mind and in my dreams. I can only feel the warmth of your love in my heart and your embrace that comforts my aching heart. I never want to lose that feeling, that's the only thing I have for you aside for the memories you left me with.

Refusing to think of you also means refusing to feel your love. 

Your love that is unwavering and even in the afterlife, you still never failed to make me feel. I will always consider myself lucky to have been experienced  the greatest love of all through your motherly love.

Yours truly,

Clar ♡